Movie Review: Riddick

Last week, your favorite Sister of the Geek Covenant was fortunate enough to attend the Los Angeles premiere of Riddick, with none other than Vin Diesel himself in attendance to thank fans. Before the picture rolled, the Fast & Furious actor let it be known how much of his success was owed to his followers and professed the self-titled third of the Riddick trilogy was made especially for them. Big Dies’ also mentioned that the anticipated Fast 7 begins principal photography this week. Not surprisingly, this news was met with boisterous applause and cheers, especially with the recent kick-ass news that Kurt Russell was added to the cast.

As for any type of Marvelous movie updates, sorry folks; not one word was mentioned about “the deal” he has with Marvel. At least for tonight, Vinny WAS NOT GROOT!

Now, I must preface this review by stating that this “Naughty Nun” is not a hardcore Riddick fangirl. Fast and the Furious a.k.a. Need For Speed with Hot Bods is my preferred Vin D franchise. But I did enjoy both Pitch Black and even The Chronicles of Riddick – despite the story making a far better video game — enough to garner any type of interest for a third. I mean, let’s be real here; how can you hate on a film that featured the oh-so-very-handsome Karl Urban, and actresses, Dame Judi Dench (M!) and Thandie Newton (as Dame!)?

Speaking of Karl, you may have heard that the new Dredd reprises his role as Commander Lord Vaako, but…don’t get too excited. He’s only on-screen in Riddick for 5-minutes (if you’re lucky) and, less impressive, during a convoluted flashback, which I have no choice but to *cough* address in a few.

When last we saw the Furyan warrior, he was dubbed the new Lord Marshall of Helion. But when Riddick opens, he’s unconscious on a desolate planet inhabited by hostile beasts. There’s no dialogue for a good 15-minutes and, of course,shit gets real the moment Riddick awakens.

“Just pretend it’s ‘Terra Nova’,” they said. “Just pretend it’s ‘Terra Nova.’”

While fighting for survival, things take an interesting Hanna Barbera-like turn when Richard B. Riddick rescues a space pup and trains him. Uh-huh. After Vin Diesel and Scooby form a cool bond, the new dogtastic duo eventually come across an abandoned outpost. Before I go any further, the reasons for Rid’s “ridding” are revealed in the flashback referenced earlier. Yes, watching Riddick has inspired me to alliterate. It also turns out our pal made some deal with Lord Vaako (Urban) and was eventually double-crossed. Shafted. Effed over. Done in.

Either way, today wasn’t a good day.

Thinking he’d be returned to his home planet, Riddick left a life of royalty and half-naked women for Dune without Patrick Stewart and Sting. By the way, I’m slightly vexed there was not one peek at Vinny D’s backside. Not even one cheek! But, there was plenty of *cough.. louder COUGH* breasts… Breasts. Thanks, Mr. Twohy.

After Riddick enters the station and allows his face to be scanned, a distress signal is sent notifying nearby hunters of the wanted mercenary’s whereabouts. Two different groups land on the planet. An unlawful hunter by the name of Santana (Jordi Molla) leads one team and a straight-laced captain named Boss Johns (Matt Nable), commands the other. Thus, Riddick must take out eleven bounty hunters in total, with not one of them named Boba.

Take a good hard thought of who wins this game.

Feige warned me not to say anything….

Battlestar Galactica fans will be happy to see Katee Sackoff whoop some ass, as we all know Starbuck offers more than eye candy — or, at least, very hot coffee. And, yes, we get to see her boobs too. Well *COUGH* at least one of them. Another notable addition to the franchise is former WWE Heavyweight Champion, Dave Bautista, a man who the Sister wasn’t too familiar with before he joined Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy. I gotta say, for someone who’s supposedly not a trained actor (unless you want to count the menacing “reality” of Friday Night Smackdown), Big Bad Bautista did a nice job as the warrior Diaz. He should have no problem handling the meat ‘n potats of Drax the Destroyer next August.

There’s also not much to say about the film’s score, unless you want to merely call it standard trailer music…and I don’t mean the cool Kid Rock kind, either. With a 60-million dollar budget, most of the cash went to the adequate visual effects (since early word claimed the film would not go the Chronicles route with too much focus on CGI) and to Vin Diesel, of course; not toward an epic composer like Hans Zimmer.

Those minor flesh wounds aside (i.e. lack of half-naked men to offset the countless topless damsels and the flashback), Riddians (like it? no?) will undoubtedly enjoy Riddick far more than film #2, especially with a story and overall vibe that harken back to Pitch Black. Plus there’s a killer death scene that will be talked about long after the credits roll…

But if I told you, then I’d have to *cough* all over you.

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Movie Review: Old Boy

The Internet erupted into a ball of rage when it was announced Spike Lee was remaking Park Chan-Wook’s Oldboy. As someone who didn’t care much for other remakes of foreign films, I could understand the fall out. Let us not forget how forgettable Matt Reeves’s remake of Let the Right One In was (Let Me In? No.) and David Fincher’s depiction of Girl with a Dragon Tattoo wasn’t much different from the Swedish version, which starred Noomi Rapace. Speaking of Rapace, can we settle this right here and now? Her portrayal of Lisbeth Salander was much more badass than Rooney Mara who was clearly mimicking Rapace in the first place.

Frankly, this film-loving prioress could go on and on about Dragon Tattoo and how I felt Fincher’s film wasn’t nearly as haunting or mysterious. But, that’s not what this holiday write-up is about. This review is about Oldboy and whether or not it stunk like last year’s Turkey dinner.

Welp, I’m here to testify.. that in comparison to the original, ya ‘boy is indeed leaky, slimy and should be quickly taken off the market.

I want a Mister Socko, too!

Fans of the 2003 feature will no doubtly be annoyed by some of the changes, yet at the same time find a bit of solace knowing the overall plot hasn’t changed all that much. But right from jump, the first difference is the length of the protaganist’s imprisonment. In Spike Lee’s version, Joe (Josh Brolin) is locked away for twenty years, where as Dae-Su (Min-sik) was confined for fifteen. To be fair, that change didn’t bother me too much.

So, let’s get to what did: Lee’s decision to drop the narration. By choosing to do away with the voiceover, we don’t get the chance to get inside Joe’s head, nor do we fully comprehend how truly insane he becomes while in captivity. I mean, you’d go nuts too if you were forced to eat dumplings for 20-years straight.

When Joe is finally set free, we witness a cue taken from the classic Oldboy with Josh Brolin spilling out of the trademark trunk. Shortly thereafter, his quest begins to find the very person who locked him up in the first place.

And this is where the film really started to lose me.

Hey, it worked for Thor.

Oldboy is based from the manga written by Garon Tsuchiya and illustrated by Nobuaki Minegishi. I mention this, because what director Park Chan-wook and cinematographer Chung-hoon Chung achieved was a stylized thriller that harkened back to the source. While sitting through Lee’s film, everything was so out of sorts, it felt as if he chucked the manga — along with Chan-wook’s masterpiece — out the window.

But Lee wasn’t all together clueless. The epic hammer fight scene is in the film, as it wouldn’t be Oldboy without it. What Lee shot was sad in comparison, however. Come to think of it, this “new” Oldboy is pretty lifeless. Have you ever heard that term describe an ultra violent film before?

Maybe only in the case where zombies are forced to eat each other.

I WAS undefeated in “Casket Matches”…

Even if the end result isn’t exactly a blockbuster, you still gotta give Spike some credit for doing something a little different. This isn’t a shot-for-shot remake of the original. Gone is the stomach-churning squid sequence, and the torture scenes weren’t as brutal this time around.. even if they were still bad enough for me to cover my eyes. But, if you’ve already convinced yourself enough that you’ve got to see this, please at least matinée at your own risk.

Which makes me feel for the talent involved. Almost-”Batlin” delivered (hey, beats the term “Broman”, but not quite “Batfleck”), as did the recently announced “Scarlet Witch” (for Avengers 2), Elizabeth Olsen, as a nurse who helps Joe find his abductor. Sharlto Copley (District 9, Elysium) was strong as well, albeit a bit too cartoonish. Yet, the standout for this Sister was French actress Pom Klementieff . She doesn’t have a single word of dialogue in the film, yet somehow leaves a lasting impression.

So, what’s my verdict, congregation? Easy. Don’t waste your holiday money. Spike’s offered far better entertainment through his courtside antics during Knicks games. Come to think of it, what was FilmDistrict drinking/thinking releasing such a violent film Thanksgiving week?

O’boy.

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